I’ve been tired and cranky for a few weeks now, partially cause of lack of sleep and partially because things seem so whack and out of control to me. My body frankly is pissing me off badly. I’m so not close to being on a regular cycle even thought my doctor thought once I had my period I’d be good to go and my body would readjust. Instead, I’m a week and a ½ late for my period and no sign of it, nor am I pregnant. Instead, I feel bloated, sore boobs, tired, moody like no other, crampy etc. All according to my doctor – normal things for me after a miscarriage.

I get more upset cause I take it out on people and then I start to feel so damn bad about what I just said or did and by then it’s too late and they assume the worst. It’s hard to tell someone “I’m not usually like that” when they have now already gotten this image in their head that I’m some moody whiney bitch. In reality, I’m far from it….sometimes moody but not to this extreme. At work, everyone thinks I’m a very happy cheerful person since that’s how I need to be here. It’s good for those people to see that side of me but people that talk to me online or even my husband are seeing this moody cranky side that just can’t be made happy no matter what people say or do. I doubt things, misinterpret comments, jump to assumptions and just overall am not pleasant to deal with atm. I don’t realize what I’m doing until after and then I kick myself. I have to back peddle and try to make them realize that I didn’t mean my comment or that I’m sorry or that it just came out wrong. At least with Patrick he can see that I’m hurting or upset about something and didn’t mean for it to come out a certain way. For others online, I can’t make them realize that it’s just a really bad time for me and no matter how hard I try to get them to realize that hey this isn’t really me, this isn’t who I like myself to be. I’m not happy with myself when I’m like this. It feels so out of control for me and for a person that usually is so in control of herself and calm and taking things one at a time, this isn’t making me feel all that great.

I feel like I have no one to talk to at all about things. Even when I try to talk to some friends, they just ask me “have you been to the doctor yet and what does he say?”. Well my answer is always the same “I guess this is supposed to be normal”. It doesn’t mean it has to be “ok” though to me and it doesn’t mean I’m dealing with this “normal post miscarriage behavior” well. I never have felt this bad in my life. I never have felt this sad or upset or alone in my life. (even thinking back to my parents divorce and custody battle, I don’t remember feeling this down) No one can tell you how to feel or how to get over this pain. You can explain time and time again that it was meant to be and I can truly believe that it was BUT it doesn’t mean I have to feel great and be happy and easy with that. My friends can’t reach out and just hug me, they all live to far and sometimes, that’s all I need. Then I get kind of sad when some of them don’t talk to me and avoid me because I am feeling like this or I am moody. It’s like I’ve pushed them away from me instead of what I need the most. I just need more in my life right now and I don’t know what it is.

I just want to apologize to all those that I snap at, those that I have pushed away who do mean things to me..more then they realize. I sometimes think I care more about them then they do me. I don’t know how to pull them back into my life or make them realize how hard of a time this is for me and that I don’t mean half the things I say or don’t mean to be grumpy or don’t mean to say the things I do. I feel needy and selfish at times and I know it’s not me. I’ve always been real independent, not needing other people to make me happy.

I look back and I’ve been through a lot growing up but honestly it’s made me stronger. I’ve never looked back and been a “pity me” type of person. I always wanted to just do something better with myself and make people proud of me. I almost care too much about what others think then myself and then I’m hurt in the end because I neglected to think of how “I” feel. Now, I’m hurting others by spouting off like I am before thinking things thoroughly. I just miss my old self and hope that my body can settle its way back into a normal pattern. No one can tell me they know how this feels. Each person is different. Yah, Sally Sue may have had a miscarriage too but each person deals and experiences their own grief. It’s something “I” felt like I’ve had to deal with alone because everyone else just wants me to “move on” and “you can have kids again, don’t worry”.

Anyhow, I just needed to rant..I feel sick today (go figure) and tired and just well drained emotionally from crying on and off for a while now.

Heartaches
Too much pain
When will it go away?
Wishing I could box it up
Sail it out to sea
Lost with the waves
Drifting further away from me
Gone from my heart
Gone from my mind
Lost within me
Lost within a sea of emotions
That I need to let go
Storms taking over me
Sun needs to shine
Heartache needs to sail away
Forever

~heather

This weekend we had Patrick’s parent in town since his bday is today and it was pretty full of running around, dinners and of course my highlight – shopping yesterday. Friday nite, I decided I wanted to drink and proceeded to drink too much *sighs* which I’m so sorry for any weird moments Friday online! We woke up Sat. morning to have Patrick’s parents coming over so after they arrived we went to the lil quaint café in Dayton to get some breakfast before heading off to see “Sahara”.

Now “Sahara” is one of those serious eye candy movies. I mean can Matthew McConaughey look any flipping hotter? The guy has some serious abs on him and these piercing blue eyes. Now, those comments were taken originally from Patrick’s mom! I just happen to definitely agree with her statements! It was a good flic and “enjoyable” as Patrick the movie critic said. I think I could watch Mr. Matthew half naked again really.
We went to Chinese at our favorite resteraunt since Patrick’s mom requested it (we’ve taken them a few times there and they love it as much as we do) then headed back to our house and they went back to the hotel they were staying at. (We TOLD them they shouldn’t have wasted money on a hotel but *sigh*)
Sunday was get the car fixed day as the boys decided to mow the yard first, clean up the outside of the house some and take my car to get detailed and cleaned up so we can sell it. Today Hank is taking it off to get some basic repairs, oil change etc, so we can finally put it up for sale and get me my new car *crosses fingers* !! Mazda 6 here I come although we are maybe going to Lease one but dunno yet. While the men/boys were doing the car thing, us women decided to go shopping and of course to get our usual mochas at Starbucks.

First stop was Bed Bath & Beyond, which somehow I ended up with an Ice Cream attachment for my Kitchen Aid thanks to the parentals. Now, I have to make ice cream whenever they are in town! I’m excited actually to start making my own and have some time to practice on Patrick before subjecting his parents to my ice cream skillz. Next stop was Michaels where I bought stuff for my office finally, some frames and gerbera daisy type stuff for the walls and desk. Last but not least, Maurice’s for some cute new capri’s x2, skirts and shirts! It was a very productive day. We had to rush home then to meet the guys and get ready for our dinner reservations. Patrick’s bday dinner was at Cattleman’s where we had Steak, Lobster and Crab legs mmmm. Needless to say, I have major leftovers at home and I may be heading that way for lunch! (I will try to save some for Patrick but he ate my leftover Chinese yesterday so we’ll see how nice I am! Hehe)

All in all a very productive weekend! I’m a lil tired from being up way to late as always last night but oh well. Life goes on I guess. Meanwhile in my health situation – I’m not pregnant but yet I’m not having my period back either and I’m like a week late. I guess my body is just royally messed up but really wish things would figure themselves out to say the least!!

Then on top there’s some things I’m having doubts about, can’t really go into them atm but just feel well wishy washy about stuff. *sighs*
Back to work!

Well, I find it hard to update this lately so here’s I am. I still love my job (thanks to those that have been asking or wondering) I’ve been in Reno a few times for meetings and are starting to meet more of the people I’m working with. I love the little projects that I get assigned and get to just run with. Like being handed some data and told make it look good etc. It’s really busy around here with the legislative session to say the least and my boss has to testify in front of the legislature for some bill changes next Monday so she’s been a bit all over the place.

I still need to settle in and get some picture frames for my desk and definitely need some plants, pics for the walls and gather up my little gadgets that I used to keep around. I do have a flower shaped multi-colored slinky on my desk from one of my meetings though! I like having an office again..it’s cozy and cute and in kind of a quiet spot in the corner instead of being stuck out in the open with cubes like some are. They still need to clear off one of my bookcases for me but not like I have any big rush atm to put stuff on it. Once, that’s done I’ll be rearranging furniture some more too. I would like to have a better view of my window but think I’ll end up sadly having my back to it but we’ll see!

Spring is slowly showing signs and yesterday it was almost 80 when I got out of my meeting in Reno. I was actually really hot coming out. (speaking of meetings – this meeting was in the most gorgeous “high roller” suite..of course I’ve never been in one before but damn this was nice. It was at the Atlantis Casino and whew, just beautiful. It was up on the 26th floor with great views all over of the city – can we say scary glass elevator that made me nauseous coming down tho?) Back to spring though, I picked the weeds in the backyard last night because Patrick told me once I did that then he’d buy me flowers for the yard. We’ll see how soon that happens but my flowers I planted last fall are blooming out front and beautiful. Some of our bushes are recovering from a horrible winter of windy bad days that almost destroyed my butterfly bushes (which I love).

Onto big news~ we are having a new addition to the family ~ A PUPPY!
http://www.celticmoonmalamutes.com/SecondLitter.htm
Patrick had talked to this breeder months ago about wanting a puppy and it finally had them so we heard back and decided we still did indeed want one. The timing, we figure, is better to train the puppy before a baby then during so we’ll be driving to San Fran area in like 8 weeks to pick “her” up. They had 2 girls and we were chosen for one of them, which is what we wanted but they had a lot of people I guess wanting the girls. They are adorable and Patrick is just smitten over them to say the least. It’s kinda like me when I got my princess xaria. Speaking or princess..I have a video of her begging for food that you have to see can’t remember if it’s this one http://www.endlessimaginations.com/images/everquest/xari.AVI or http://www.endlessimaginations.com/images/everquest/MVI_0401.AVI so /shrug

Well back to work! I’ve slacked too long!

Ps. I got my hair cut again, will have to take a pic