I still can’t watch half the shows on tv because they have babies or kids in them. I’ll be watching tv and a pampers commercial comes on and I just start crying. I really wish I could jus stay home and grieve and get over this. My husband has been busy all week working and making up for missing last week. He’s coming home late and working even when he’s home. It’s just been difficult and hope this weekend we can relax some. Everywhere I turn there’s baby / kid talk and I wish I wasn’t so sad when I see it. I should feel happy for friends and family etc or be ok with things but i’m not ..I can’t stand it.

Well, I have been sending out my resume and getting some callbacks so I guess that’s good I really am trying to move on and do something in a positive light but everyday that i’m here at work and treated bad it makes it 10x harder to keep a good attitude. I have constant questions from a girl that isn’t fully trained and is dumb when it comes to this type of business. I’ve been in this business for 4 years total now and it’s frustrating to explain MY JOB duties to her.

I was asked to lunch yesterday by lorraine only to be asked various questions about whether i’ve trained marla on this or that of my job. There was NO discussion or hint to the events from last week or the way things are being handled. It all had to be what I wanted as far as my job goes, which was a pretty pointless figuring i have no job duties or things to do. I told her I was doing stuff for Nadia but that will slowly end. I am fed up with doing very little. I also am mad that the lunch ended with “so I just wanted to find out if you are leaving and interviewing for other jobs?” I said I hadn’t interviewed “yet” and so far I wasn’t planning on leaving. I said I had been here for 2 years and I have no intention of leaving any time soon. I’m sorry but i’m not giving her satisfaction of me leaving because she forced me out. I won’t let her do that yet.

I got back and when John (owner) called about a question, I asked him whether or not he had a chance to talk to anyone. He hadn’t gotten back to me like he said on Monday and I thought Thurs. was plenty long. I was talking to him about my lunch with lorraine and how i had not given her any hints to me leaving yet. (I haven’t but I did dress nicely on Tues…so guess that looked like I was interviewing?) Anyhow, she walks in my office and goes “Oh yes you have, yes you have”. This was as I was on the phone with John so I told her about the remark and told him that yes, I went home after being pushed out of my job to work on my resume and start sending it around. I said that I had no choice and what would anyone else do in my position if that’s what they came back to. I said I have a new house I’m paying for and I can’t exactly not look for other options if they were intending for me to get let go. He said he understood. I said I was sorry but I had no choice and honestly what else am I supposed to do? He told me he’d be in town on Tuesday to talk to them and find out more about the situation . I explained to him about the lack of work and how 3 full time people doing this was unecessary for this time of year. I reminded him of me being loyal for 2 years and not leaving yet so why am I treated like this. I have to wait now until Tues. to find out but wish they would jus get rid of me at this point if that’s what they are going to do. *sighs*

grr..while typing this I had a phone call from San Jose asking if Marla was here and I said she was on the phone. So nadia asks me if I knew anything about a settlement on a credit card not processing right. I said “nope, no one comes to me with the problems or questions” which is definitely partly true on some things regarding the job. She’ll go to lorraine who has NO CLUE ABOUT MY JOB DUTIES and then won’t come to me then proceeds to call San Jose who doesn’t know much either so eventually I have to deal with it. I let marla know nadia called and asked her what the credit card issue was. i walked over to the machine hit a button and fixed it then said “i’ve dealt with this for a long time now, you can ask me questions if you want so I can fix it”.
*sighs*
~heather

I wrote in a friends only post about it so email me if you need access.

I don’t care for coworkers or those that don’t know me personally to read any of this.

Thanks,
heather

reposts from eqpeople of all the mess i’ve been going through

Very long and friends only

I’m scheduling a d&c for thurs. or friday. I found out today at what should’ve been a normal 8 week 6 day ultrasound that the baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and has no heartbeat. I don’t know what to say…i’ve never seen my husband cry until today. Things just can’t be anymore unfair or not make sense.
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A little info on the surgery day that i’ve just left out. I was up at 5am thurs. to get showered and there by 6:15. My surgery was scheduled for 7:30. I pre-registered Wed. and Tues. had a preop meeting with my doc. along with a blood draw to test my blood since I couldn’t for the life of me (despite all my blood donor times) what type I was.

They took me back and had me change into a gown, get vitals taken and start the IV. They had my husband come back after that was taken care of so we could meet with my doc one last time before taking me away. It seemed like years to be stuck in the waiting area to go back into surgery. I was nervous and they gave me some drugs to calm down, with antibiotics for infections and some nausea meds. The last thing I remember in the surgical room was being asked to wiggle my toes then I woke up in recovery. I woke up in such massive pain it was unbearable. The nurse could tell and rushed over to help me out. She gave me some demoral (pardon my spelling) and that didn’t work so she started me on vicodins also. The pain meds then started making me throw up. Thankfully I had just been drinking a little water. The doc came by to let me know everything went well and that I had just bled a little more then expected but i’m going to be ok. My heartrate was in the high 140s due to pain and the blood loss so they were trying to get that down. I was told i’d be out of the recovery by 9-9:30 but due to the blood loss and problems we didn’t get me out until around 11ish. They brought in Patrick after I finally let them because I didn’t want him to see me throwing up and doing bad. We sat there for a while as I drifted in and out from the nausea meds. I started drying to eat crackers by my throat hurt from the tube they put down me so I couldn’t swallow that easy and it just stuck in my mouth. Finally I felt good enough to get out of there and go home to sleep this bad dream away. I stood up to change into my gown and felt just a rush of blood, was one of the scariest feelings to be honest. I felt like I was going to faint and the nurse came to ask if I was ok. I asked her if it was ok to bleed this much..I saw so much blood on the bed and then all over the floor. She handed me a package of pads to take home and that if I bled through 1 in less then a hour it’s too much. Well I had bled through one in like 5 seconds so we sat me down after I changed for a while. I finally left and the whole ride home I was terrified I was going to just bleed everywhere. We stopped by McDonalds and I can’t even remember eatting but I know what I ordered When I got home, I just went straight to bed, laying a few towels on the sheets incase I was bleeding bad and passed out. Over the course of the next few days/nights I relied on vicodin to get me through the pain..taking 2 every 3 hours or so.

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~~~
So tomorrow I go back to work already after a week off and surgery last Thursday. I’m dreading the whole experience, especially since I don’t feel ready to deal much with reality or questions. That is on top of the fact that last week I had a call Wed. asking me why I had 2 days no call no show to work. I went in Monday after my doc. appt to tell them what was going on, even though I thought a phone call should suffice and I should be home instead of sitting crying at work explaining to people that don’t seem to care. I sat down with Lorraine (coworker – new office manager who has no control over my position supposedly) and she proceeded to tell me how I need to get over this and the sooner the better so I can move on with my life, telling me “heather you don’t want a deformed baby” etc etc. She asks me what my choices are and I explained the D&C vs. Natural miscarriage in which she promptly replies after I explain the whole risks / time out of work etc etc. “You are doing the d&c then right?” Then she promptly asks if I do a D&C when will I be recovered and back to work. This whole conversation was cold, insensitive and just not needed imo. I explained that the plan was for a d&c on thursday then “technically, the doctor said I could be recovered in a few days’ She came back with “ok, you’ll be back to work on Monday then?” I said yes….so I thought this was understood that i’d be out the rest of the week until Monday.

I emailed her after the nasty message wed. and got no replies. So, basically i’m going into work with people mad at me when imo they should be understanding. Patrick’s boss immediately told him to stay home all week and “take care of heather”. No questions, just understanding and nice.

Here I am still taking Vicodin for some cramping, having some spotting but nothing major and when i’m up on my feet or walking around / being active for too long i’m feeling pain and popping more pills or feeling hot and icky. I’ll be calling the doctor from work to ask him some questions and get a “dcotors note” since i’m sure this will be asked of me tomorrow and oh so rudely i’m sure.

Like I told my dad today, I honestly don’t understand why they couldn’t be understanding of my situation. I lost our baby, a living thing imo. I saw the heartbeat, saw the body and head….felt my body changing to carry this living being into the world ..only to have surgery to have them remove it from me. How can people not understand how hard this on me and my husband?? Patrick removed the cards from family and friends / books and signs of anything pregnancy related because he couldn’t look at them anymore. He’s not sleeping well, nor am I but here I am worried about work instead of working this out in my heart .

I thought I was fine and dealing with this but i’m not…it’s so damn hard and i’m sad. I cry when I see baby’s on tv, I get upset when I see pregnant women at the grocery store that have 4 kids and are yelling at them. I go “why me?” This is by far the hardest thing i’ve had to go through in my life.

I feel so gosh darn alone even though I have friends and family to talk to. I have a great husband who I’m thankful every day for. I just thought this would be easier. When the doctor said we could start trying again as soon as I get my period and cycle once but the more I think about it the more scared I am and more I know we’ll wait a few months for us to come back to reality and terms with all of this.

I’m sorry for rambling…just with the thought of work tomorrow reality hit me. the little bubble we’ve been living in for the last week full of WoW (to get our minds off of it), renting movies and pretty much not answering many phone calls is about to end. I knew tonight when talking to my dad about things and him saying how proud he was of me and how sorry he felt that ….I wasn’t ready to deal, that i’m not ok..that I just don’t understand still and still can’t get past the fact that our baby is gone and won’t be here in Sept.
~~~~~

I’m at work and can’t stop crying. I called my husband to try and vent / get stuff out ..hoping it’d make me feel better.

I came into work today to find out my job duties are now Marlas – Lorraine’s daughter who was part-time. They moved her to full time and took away all my job duties. I packed up my whole office, I don’t want anything personal here anymore. I have nothing to share with these people that are so uncaring and heartless. The only person that has come to say hi or see me is Ed – project mgr. who even left a nice message from him and his wife last Monday to let me know we were in their thoughts. He gave me a hug and said we’d talk more after one of his meetings. That’s the only person in the whole office that doesn’t treat me like I have the plague or shouldn’t be here.

I called the owner of the company to find out what was going on from his mouth, only to find out he had no clue they moved Marla to full time and took away my job duties putting me with nothing to do. The whole idea was to give billing to someone part time (2 days a week) ie. Marla. The whole idea was to NOT put someone in billing and have them do everything else like I did. They wanted to relieve me of duties and phase me into marketing with a full time dispatcher eventually and a part-time biller focusing on no mistakes and just billing clean. There went that idea I guess. Again, the owner had no clue they made this decison and no one had told him of the changes. I basically told him about how I felt like they should’ve just say ok clean out your office and the way I was treated was cold and heartless. I explained how Lorraine delt with me last Monday and my side of the story. Explaining how i’ve never no called no showed, how I call when I’m even 15 minutes late and how she waited until Wed. to call when she could’ve called Tuesday to get a clearer story if that’s what she needed.

I called my doc office for suggestions on pain, since I can’t take vicodin here at work and i’m cramping very badly and most over counter drugs do nothing. I”m told to take 3 ibprofin so think i’ll go at lunch to get that and see if that makes the day more manageable. They are also faxing over a doctor’s note after I explained how my work was not very understanding. The nurse couldn’t believe it and is faxing it right away. *sighs*

Lorraine is giving me the silent treatment , basically i’m supposed to approach her and apologize I was told by someone that cared to tell me. I’m in no way in hell approaching her. I can ignore her just fine imo and be pleasant.

I want to walk away, quiet and leave but i can’t.

~~~~~~

I was talking to Ed this afternoon about things and her daughter, Marla was in my office. As I was saying how I can’t believe how fucked up the work environment was she stormed out and said “You should’ve thought of that before you screwed her over”. That sent me crrying of course and how dare this little 20 year old mommy’s girl say that shit about me? It’s not my fault your mom is trying to push you into my job because you have a deadbeat single father boyfriend that doesn’t work and you haven’t worked much since you moved out of your daddy’s house.

Later Lorraine came out to me at my car as I was literally driving out of the lot. I rolled down my window and she asked why I never came to talk to her and my reply was “because I don’t need this right now and honestly, i’m just tired of all of this”. We got in an arguing match at my car with me inside ready to leave. It all came back to how “I didn’t communicate” and how it was my fault. How can all of this be my fault? Does she not get that I HONESTLY thought we had this cleared up on Monday that I wouldn’t be in that week. She told me that she really thought I’d be on Tues/Wed. before my surgery and I replied “do you honestly think i’d want to or even be able to work the day before my surgery with a dead baby in my stomach?” I called my husband crying from home again and then his parents called from Hawaii vacation to tell me they want me out of this job and to give my 2 weeks and be done with it. I’m actually waiting on Patrick’s brother Justin to get back from Hawaii this week so we can sit down and see legally what my options are because they haven’t been paying into my 401k like they should be. I’ll be calling on that tomorrow to check into the payments etc. to make sure but it doesn’t look good for them on that end. I just am fed up and can’t believe I’ve worked there for 2 years and have them thinking i’d just up and no call, no show after all this time over a sitation that seemed so obvious and clear about why I wasn’t going to be there. There shouldn’t have been any questions imo. In the end, she wants to finish the discussion in the morning, which I really see no need for. She’s proven again today that she’s heartless on this matter.

so that’s the latest and not so greateast.
~~~~