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I had been really debating on letting this entry go public because of how personal this is to me but since friends and family read this journal here’s a repeat from a posting on a board and in my email to family/friends.
I typed up this letter to some friends and family because this week has been a nightmare.
================
I’m having a hard time even knowing what to say or type at the moment …but I got bad news yesterday at a doctors visit. I had noticed something a lil wrong earlier this week with my pregnancy and got into an early doctors appointment. During my ultrasound we should’ve seen a 6 weeks 6 days fetus with a heartbeat but mine showed nothing. It showed only a size of barely 5 weeks with nothing forming. The doctor was really nice but explained that I was indeed probably having an miscarriage. It looks like what I’m going through is the most common 25% of what miscarriages actually happen, which is when a embryo isn’t developed in the placenta at all. I know that might be to much info but it’s the best explaination he gave me. There was a small 1% chance that my dates may be mixed up or my body might have not be “regular†but all instincts tell me it’s not. I’m lucky to have Patrick by my side through this and even thought it feels like a really really bad dream..I know that things happen for reasons. It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. To be so excited and let down by the thought of having this child is something I hope no one has to go through. At this point I’m waiting for nature to just do what it needs to. I’ll go into the doctor again Monday for another blood draw if things don’t happen this weekend to monitor my HCG levels to see if the dates are wrong but I just know things aren’t right. I feel like I should’ve never told our friends and family so early but Patrick was so excited for this that it was hard to hold back from letting it out. Nothing is wrong with me the doctor assured me and said that we can start trying soon after and once we are ready but in the meantime it’s such a waiting thing at the moment. I’m sad that I don’t have my mom or friends around to talk to. I just laid in bed and cried for the past few days knowing something wasn’t right. Part of me understands and I know other friends / family that have gone through it but it seems surreal. I seem so calm on the outside but in my head and heart I’m a mess. I hate feeling like this and want it to just disappear.
This is probably one of the hardest letters I’ve had to type.
*cries*
sav / heather
====
update as of Jan. 9th.
I still haven’t miscarried and find that this is probably the hardest part almost. It’s the waiting, knowing it will happen and just realizing that i’ll probably have a hard time again emotionally when that hits me. I have a doc. appt. tomorrow to get more blood drawn and then i’m sure the doctor will call me with the news of my HCG lowering. I’m going to bring up to him, the fact that I don’t want to wait 4 weeks for this to pass and see what my options are. I really do not want a D&C if all can be taken care of naturally or if I can take the pill that helps speed up the process. I guess we’ll see.
Thanks for everyones support. I know I haven’t been wanting to talk much but I just can’t deal with the questions, the explaining over and over again on how I feel or how i’m doing etc.
~heather
January 9th, 2005 at 8:03 pm
I’m so sorry to hear that sweetie. You and Patrick are in my thoughts, and have my love.
January 9th, 2005 at 10:21 pm
Will keep you all in my prayers. -=hugs=-
January 10th, 2005 at 12:50 am
I can’t pretend I can really imagine what your feeling. I can only state my simple and strong hope that the intense feelings of the complex and simple end up strenthening you both.
Warmest regards,
Rudy
January 10th, 2005 at 6:14 am
I’m so sorry to hear this, Sav. *hugs*
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